INEVITABLE

In watching a Netflix series called MERLIN, there is a scene in the first episode where a young Merlin meets up with a dragon that is imprisoned under the castle. The dragon informs Merlin he is in for a great destiny and Merlin tells the dragon that he has got that “all wrong”. The dragon responds to Merlin saying:  “There is no right or wrong, only what is and what is not. Then the dragon leans close to Merlin and whispers,  “None of us can choose our destiny, Merlin and none of us can escape it.”

This made realize how much I missed the opportunity to talk to my mother about how much of life is scripted, predestined, and how our responses to life are pre-programmed. I have a feeling that she had some strong beliefs around these ideas.

This perspective of something being true, regardless of one’s moral judgement or opinions about its rightness or wrongness brought some relief to me this week, and I know that there is some information here that I might want to investigate about myself, so here goes.

It is easy to be overwhelmed with all the beliefs, concepts, paradigms and mysteries surrounding the human experience about what we are doing here that I have often settled into a quasi-belief in personal destiny.

I get this feeling that in order to complete my life’s mission, I need to have a more direct and honest relationship with myself. Even as I write that I want to groan and articulate the question, “What in hell does that mean, anyway?”

It’s a nice thought, “relationship with myself” and it’s easy to state, yet a bit more challenging to execute in a world where I have become habituated and conditioned to perform within a series of identities. That is partially why I am loving this whole retired person identity. It’s the first time I feel free enough to dance my way through the jungles of time and conditioning to locate who I am and what it is I need to accomplish before I leave this body and this planet.

I did something dramatic recently because I felt that my Universe was moving me toward a difficult decision.  Without getting into details, I made the unilateral decision to exit a friendship with someone I had come to love deeply because the concept of “working out our differences” felt scary and unsafe to me.  It reminded me of the many times in my life when I have had to shut people out of my life to secure my own sense of safety. Just like the trauma of leaving my abusive husband, or ending a one-way pen-pal relationship, or abandoning my role within the Toastmasters organization after my back gave out, I decided to take care of my own interests and let the other person worry about theirs. In order to feel the light of self-love and self-care afterward, I convinced myself that our misunderstanding was a contest of figuring out what was right or wrong. Looking back, I find comfort in clinging to the simplicity of the belief that our ending was totally inevitable, just as Merlin’s dragon so precisely pointed out. What is happening to me is a whole new way of taking care of myself, just honoring my own truth, and not allowing anyone to influence me with theirs. To me, this is a new and scary path, but one of keeping a direct and honest relationship with whatever I want to believe about me. I have no idea what is happening to the other person, because I have ceased all contact. But I can only hope it is just as important for them and I suspect, the action of separation is the very best thing for both of us on so many, many levels.

What is is a freedom in not having to explain, justify, or figure myself out. At my age, I am less inclined to stretch myself for compromises and negotiations. What is not is regret. In some way, this decision cost me one of the dearest friendships I have had in many years. But ultimately I would not have been happy anyway, because I could not get what I wanted from this person. Our fate was completely unavoidable, so I took care of my own needs and that’s why in reflection I let go of regret.

Perhaps, it was my destiny to share those two extraordinary years with this exceptional person in a friendship that was as unique as it was magical.  It changed me and I am hopeful it added to their experience as well and there is no debris.

AND, for that, I am abundantly grateful.

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