When I speak of the monster in my thought process, I am directly addressing the one that yammers on in my own head. The thought reactions to things in my life, I am beginning to believe , are much more dangerous than any external threat.
Yesterday, I caught myself looking for something to feel bad about. It started with a small stomach upset after eating some soup I had just made.
The soup was good but it was too spicy and it smelled sooooo delicious that I ate a huge serving. Then my stomach talked back to me. As a result I watched myself border on this decision to feel bad. It was like a monster movie, the monster in our head and expressing in our lives.
Anyway, it went from stomach ache, to a bad soup maker, to having a shit life and hating the world in an almost millisecond, and I watched it happened. Yes, it was happening to me yet I was also watching the process. No, I did not take any hallucinogens and was amazed at what was happening to me.
Perhaps all the self-care focus is beginning to pay off. The first thing I did was to remind myself that thoughts are not facts, even though they can create emotions that lead to a behavioral reality and poor habits, I have the ability to confront the monster before letting it settled in as reality.
The self-care showed up when I gently reminded myself I did not have to go down the street of feeling like crap and finding validations from my life to do it. I mean, REALLY- a bad soup recipe?
Recently, I saw this picture of myself with two other people. The thought that entered my head was “Look at how fat you are!”. It was not jovial or sarcastic, it was mean and judgmental and it was coming from me. When I heard that judgment, it made me really sad until I heard myself saying, “Who would say a thing like that?” I believe that what I was trying to get at was what part of me felt this was important enough to formulate in my head and express it as a thought. As soon as I began to question where the thought came from, another voice in my head said something like, “Would you trade your very healthy chubby body for anyone else’s medical problems?” and the answer was a resounding, NO!
What helped me, I believe, was my willingness to confront my own thinking.
AND, to take ownership that I have a culturally conditioned bitchiness in me that says I am less than because I am too old or too wide or too loud or too whatever. You know what I mean?
Learning someone else’s emotional and mental language is impossible when you are still listening to your own thought process as a reality. It is just fascinating to me, as I believe I am only just now starting to learn how to listen to my thoughts as merely passing voices … not reality.
“You know you got it if it makes you feel good.”–Janis Joplin